Emerald Heart Essence Practitioner Jack Childs, pens a second article for the Blog sharing his valuable insights regarding the dangers of pursuing perfection and how important it is to make sure that we don’t kid ourselves by using our perceived journey into awareness as an excuse not to evolve.
Am I good enough?
From a young age, I always had feelings of not being good enough. A sense of needing to prove to others that I was perfect, a need to control situations to make sure I presented a perfect image and an absolute fear of doing anything “bad” that would make me not look very good to the outside world. Like making a spelling mistake in a perfect blog…
First of all I tried to find a sense of being good enough in my sporting ability. First as a football player and then as a hockey player when that became my main sport. When chronic fatigue ended my personal sporting dreams, my attention turned to finding success in work. I became interested in stocks and shares, as I dreamed of being an incredibly successful and rich investor. As I lost interest in that my focus again became the sporting world as I sought salvation in hockey coaching, in which I was very successful as a coaching scholar at a top university. It still didn’t bring me any lasting sense of peace though, especially when we lost and particularly when winning was really only a relief from the pain of defeat. I needed another escape route…
Since having the chronic fatigue I had become interested in nutrition and natural health. As a result, my main way of feeling good enough about myself was by having “perfect” health. However, it was becoming harder and harder to deny that whatever I did on the outside I still felt huge amounts of self-hatred towards myself if things went wrong and that didn’t particularly seem like a healthy mindset to be in. This was backed up by extreme anxiety that people didn’t like me or talked against me behind my back, which would send me off on a cycle of repetitive thinking and huge self-doubt. So really my obsessive focus on diet and natural health had become a clever denial to mask the bigger issues. It looked like I was being super authentic, super high vibe and all so perfect, but inside I was dying…
In early 2016, I started to work with the Emerald Heart Light. This is a light that reveals truth, by bringing up limiting ego-based fears into our conscious awareness and using essences to reduce the energy of them, so they are easier to work through.
As I worked with this light the “fear of not being good enough” was brought up to be worked on, as well as different fears relating to it. Memories and feelings linked to not being good enough came into my conscious awareness, sometimes when lying down specifically to let them come up or sometimes just in everyday activity. Memories like when my Mum used to lose it with me if I didn’t present the perfect image she wanted when people came around or when some lads started to tease me for my lack of interest in girls at school or when my sister had a tumour and I felt absolutely powerless to help her. Not nice feelings or pleasant memories, but as I found the courage to let the fear wash over me and trust the process that was unfolding I gradually became freer and freer of them.
From being a person totally stuck in his head, as the ego sought to be in control of whatever happened, I started to become a person living more from his heart and connected to the flow of life. I was more relaxed in my relationships with the players I coached and by changing the focus of my life from external success to healing the heart, I became more confident to live who I was authentically every day.
I still am certainly not perfect and have a lot to work through, but it was a much faster and more direct healing process through focusing on the fears rather than trying to cover it all up with a multitude of outside focuses. Like getting pizza from your fridge, instead of fantasizing for ever about all the places you could eat out, a much quicker way to satisfy our hunger for peace, confidence and maybe even a little bit of God in our lives.
Some reflections on fears of not being good enough
Although it is certainly true that on the deepest level “we are perfect” as all the clever spiritual people would say, it is really a lot of spiritual hogwash in the way that most people believe it. All those meaningless affirmations, like “I am perfect”, “I am beautiful and everybody loves me” or “I love myself just the way I am” sound fantastic, but aren’t true unless you feel it at the deepest level of your being. As a wise teacher once said “To say these words is nothing. But to mean these words is everything.”
For most people looking for this perfection in their lives they are saying it through the filter of them being a perfect human being or getting perfect love off other human beings, which is a huge ego trap to fall into. For anyone who has been on planet Earth for a while it is hard not to notice that us humans tend to be rather dualistic most of the time- sometimes we inspire , sometimes we help, sometimes we put down and sometimes we just hate. So to look to the human side of ourselves for that feeling of always being good enough or that sense of perfection is never going to work because low and behold we’re not perfect!! We all have darkness to work through…
For me I always found it difficult to look honestly at my darkness, because I wanted to be perfect .. and darkness was anything but perfect!! All that frustration at others lack of understanding towards me, all that hatred for people I am supposed to love dearly in my life or that intense jealously towards people who are getting more attention than I am. So the ego comes up with a cunning plan. I will feel a bit of it, maybe shed the odd tear or two and then pretend I’ve worked through it all, now I’m perfect again, now I’m all love and light, now I’m good enough again. No patience or a sense of a true journey, I just want the bloody destination.
So again, we have to look honestly at the games we are playing, slowing down and get into the flow of life. For most people, they don’t want to go as fast as the universe wants to push them, but for me it has often been a case of trying to go quicker than the universe wants to push me and underneath all that is a denial – a denial of the darkness, a denial of the imperfection and a denial that on some level I still don’t feel good enough. Until we have really worked though all our fears and can stay permanently in touch with the one light in us all, then there is still work to do. A journey to enjoy, new darkness to discover and best of all more light to emerge from within.
Through this acceptance of where we are, without any judgement that we would be more perfect anywhere else, a sense of actually being good enough can start to creep into our lives. Instead of constantly trying to improve and escape from the present moment, we can have gratitude for whatever wonderful position we find ourselves in. With no need to force or control what is happening, but a child-like flexibility and infinite wonder at everything that the universe unfolds.
Love and Blessings,