Emerald Heart Elder and Teacher, Tim Dyson, continues the Elder Notes series with a frank and courageous article, sharing some of the successes and struggles of his Spiritual journey.
The Best and The Worst of Me
It seems to me that a large part of what it means by following a spiritual path is to do with bringing out more and more of our most positive aspects, whilst simultaneously letting go, or diminishing the power of the more negative sides of ourselves. On a true Path of Light such as is offered by the Emerald Heart, the Light will increasingly begin to reveal to you the negative or self-destructive sides to your character and behaviour. This is so that you can begin to change or let go of things, in order to accentuate the positive sides of who you are.
The Light acts like a mirror to show you what you do and what you are. Sometimes what you are shown about yourself fills you with such utter self-disgust, it is almost too much to bear as you feel and see so acutely some negative behaviour trait. Maybe it’s some way in which you use power or manipulation over others, or some way in which you put others down or judge them in order to feel better in yourself. I have been forced to look at these things as well as many others and although I can’t say I have dealt with them anywhere near completely, I am at the very least much more aware of them.
It might be some more internalised pattern of behaviour based on unhelpful and untrue beliefs where you constantly put yourself down, belittle yourself in front of others and feel utterly needy and unworthy. There are so many negative aspects that start to be revealed to us when working with a true evolutionary Light, that it can be somewhat overwhelming sometimes. However, the good thing is that you will have also seen revealed and amplified, your positive sides and aspects, too. I often have the feeling that the Light acts like a magnifying glass that exaggerates both your strengths and weaknesses so that you can’t avoid acknowledging both the best and the worst about yourself.
At my worst I feel like a very rough individual who is distorted by his patterning and in some ways, in my earlier days, lived life on the edge and in a rough kind of way, as if controlled by my darker negative aspects. At my best, I can be surprised in myself by what I can only describe as, this sense of deep refinement as a human being and the continued unfolding from my efforts at self-development with the aid of the Light and many teachers over the years. I can feel the complete opposite of a rough person and actually feel like a gentleman but not in some stuffy old English sense, more accurately, I become a ‘gentle man.’ I feel full of love and compassion for my fellow humans and everything I do or say, every small gesture or comment seems to contain so much love, clarity and meaning. Nothing is said or done for no reason. No energy is wasted but at the same time I have the sense of spreading light and uplifting the vibration of all those whom I encounter. In this state I feel absolutely the best I can be whilst in the opposite state I feel the worst that I am.
These two poles are so different and far apart that it is hard to believe that both are possible inside one person but both feel very real when I am in either state. Of course much of the time I am somewhere in the middle between the refined Higher Self and the rather rough old anarchist punk rocker I spent so many years of my life as. Naturally I would like to live in the higher state of consciousness at the level of the best I can be for it certainly feels very nice being much closer to perfection. However, the amount of time I am in this state is actually very little, so I have had to learn to accept living in a lower state of consciousness much of the time whilst being aware of what is possible for myself and by implication for all human beings.
I spent quite some years with a Chinese Chi Gong Master who used to call this the ‘Process of Becoming a Real Human Being’ and I rather like that as an explanation of this process. The danger is, that once we have become aware of this higher state, we feel we can no longer tolerate living in our lower states of being. But this is not a mature response and leads only to self-rejection and grasping. All states of being are temporary and when working with High Vibrational Light we soon realise things can change very rapidly. We can be in a state of utter self-loathing one minute or even one second and in a state of bliss the next, so it makes no logical sense to try and hold onto things.
It makes sense to ultimately aim, through our intention, to be the best we can be whilst being present and fully accepting of how we are in any given moment. I feel grateful to have experienced these higher states of being as I now have some inkling of what I am capable of manifesting. The fact that I am, for most of the time, such a long way from being there, could burn me up, if I allowed it to. I’ve come to see that these higher states are the fruits of our endeavours and we should bless ourselves and accept that we have done this good work and it has been successful. And that the most important thing is to just keep going forwards, whilst learning to love and accept all the sides of ourselves as making us the unique individuals we are. That even the aspects of ourselves that hold us back, at some point in our lives served a purpose, and it is best to thank these aspects for what they have given us, whilst telling them that we wish now to let them go as we no longer need their services. Who knows what we are capable of achieving with this life if we don’t lose sight of what we are doing, where we are heading, and get lost in our distractions.
On that note I would like to wish you all a positive 2014 and hope that you can start to become the best that you can be.
I look forward to being with some of you at our Lanzarote Retreat beginning 20th January.
Elder of The Emerald Heart – London