Next in the series of ‘Notes from the Elders’, Elder and Emerald Heart Teacher, Tim Dyson, shares with us his insights regarding worthiness, or rather the lack of it.
Thanks Tim for this important and timely piece!
A Reflection on Unworthiness – by Tim Dyson
Having just been going through another layer of deep unworthiness, I felt to share some insights that have come to me during this time and also on previous occasions.
We come to the Emerald Heart, or to any spiritual path for that matter, for help to grow, to evolve, to overcome our limitations. We want to become the person we really are, our authentic selves, free from the patterning of fears and issues that hold us prisoner in our conditioned responses. Through that intention we are asking the Light of the Emerald Heart to reveal to us our deeper truths and one of those truths is that all of us at some level are full of unworthiness.
The Light reveals this unworthiness to us and we use the Essences and Programs to clear these energies from our system. Sometimes though, the horrible feelings that come up can feel overwhelming and in the grip of the all-consuming shame and self-hatred we just want to feel better. We forget that we essentially asked for this to be brought up to be released and we begin to doubt ourselves and the path we are on, instead of being happy that when we are through the difficulties, we will be another step closer to knowing who we really are. Also, we often question whether anything has really changed for the better, that maybe we are fooling ourselves if we feel we have grown.
On my own journey, I’ve come to see that what we do is say to God, “I want to carry more Light.” God responds to us by saying in effect, “Well okay, but there’s only so much Light I can seed to you as there isn’t enough room, as there is still a lot of darkness that needs to leave you. “Therefore, I will feed some Light to you in order for some of the darkness to be revealed, in order for it to then be released. In this way there will be more space within you, and I can then increase the amount of Light I give to you to work with.”
We are happy enough with this until we actually feel the darkness and this makes us want to resist and reject the Light. We want the Light, but the power of it to transform us frightens us because on one hand transformation is painful and on the other because we doubt we are worthy of really becoming Carriers of Light. Of course, when we are through this period and feeling better, we forget the whole thing until the next time it happens.
If we can just learn to reflect, either in the process itself, or if that is not possible then immediately afterwards, we will probably notice several things. We might notice that these old unworthiness patterns are either less strong than they were, or that they move through more quickly. Most importantly though, we will see that although we may still be consumed by them, from time to time, our lives are actually better. That the positive aspects of our characters are more clearly visible and developing in good ways. We feel the difference in our interactions with others and life generally, and those we know will often comment on the change in us and so provide the confirmation and feedback we need in this process of reflection.
This expansion in our consciousness triggers an increase in our emotional intelligence giving us a developing freedom of choice in our responses, as habitual fear driven reactions become less habitual and all controlling. We start to become Free.
There is a stage in our development where we become aware of a growing sense of wisdom and it is from this place of wisdom that we can truly feel compassion and empathy for ourselves and others. It is not a mentally forced construct that we have told ourselves we need to express in order to be a good person or to create good karma. Rather, it is the naturally occurring fruit of our effort and endeavour, and over time, as the unworthiness diminishes, we begin to recognise this wise and compassionate person as who we really are.
The Emerald Heart is not a spiritual path for the faint of heart, for it is a path that seeks to reveal the Greatness that is You but also everything that is in the way of your Becoming.
It takes courage to look at and feel our own darkness, but the Light will hold us and support us through the process, and as for ourselves, well, we will make it harder or easier, dependent upon how much of that old unworthiness is still visible.